Wednesday, June 27, 2007

It's Been a while...

hasn't it. Let's see April 3rd was my last post and today is June 27th that means the last time I posted, in internet years, was 2,569 years ago. A good friend convinced me that people actually read this thing and that, perhaps, they deserve some degree of explication. So here I am. I don't think that this means the posts will start flowing again, it just means that maybe I need to get this off my chest.

I'm having a tough time right now. I've been having a tough time for quite a few months. I'm struggling. My job/business is fine. I have a wonderful daughter. But at some point over the last 4 years I really lost touch with someone who is really important to me. It's been a challenging stare into the mirror of late. I've learned a lot and I'm not happy with much of it. At the same time I'm quite aware that what's happened in my life is a 50/50 proposition. Nothing gets as fucked up as it is now without two people willingly jogging down the sweet sweet path of self destruction.

You can probably hear me editing myself as you read this. I have no interest right now in washing my dirty laundry public. Trust me, there are all sorts of folks in all manner of corners of the internet (also known as the www and "the web") who would love to sink their teeth into my story. They can't have it. At least not right now. At least not until I've reached the other side of all this. Until then I will be intentionally vague and you'll just have to deal.

So what's this horse shit got to do with music? Well, it does and it doesn't. One thing I discovered about myself is that I'm really good at hiding from things. I hid from my deep inner heart, that place of maximum vulnerability where you're really alive, by pretending that it didn't exist. I used drugs, sex, and, yes, rock n' roll to assist my delusion. The first two should be obvious, the third not so much. I got to a point where my obsessive blog reading, downloading, unmanageable levels of consumption (I swear I've downloaded stuff like, a year and a half ago from emusic that I haven't even listened to yet, ), self imposed guilt about posting, mental gymnastics regarding my supposed self-importance in this self-important obsessed Music World 2.0 game we're all playing, that you're playing right now. It all just got to a point where it seemed like I was obsessing on something because it was a distraction from what was really going on in my head and my heart. I was ignoring things that were orders of magnitude more important than whatever my next post was going to be and how many hits I was getting.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the kind of guy that gets carried away. Maybe everyone else out there reading Pitchfork and Stylus and Brooklyn Vegan and trying to find obscure Arcade Fire tracks is normal and I'm not. I'm happy to take that criticism because ultimately the finger I'm pointing only points at me and at my life. For now I'm desperately trying to find perspective. I'm trying hard to get through what has been and will continue to be the most difficult time of my life. It all will pass one way or another and then I'll wake up one day hear a song and think "that's just plain and simple a great tune, other people need to hear it". I'll post something on that day. Otherwise, thanks for your thoughts (if you're thinking about some random guy you don't know with some very unspecified life issues) and for reading. And thanks for asking about me. That's really meant a lot.